Easy Being Sleazy
by Terrahfry
Summary: McMahon finally realizes how bad VG & Teddy stink, so he hires Edge to be the new GM of SD. Random silliness, sarcasm, crackfic-ish. comical, AU, major OOC. M/M SLASH. Ft; Edge, Hardyz, JoMo, Jeri, Punk, & more. Just 4 FUN, XP.
1. SmackDown Gets Rated R

**Sometimes ideas just won't lemme alone. This one won't. I started out wanting to write a story about Edge being made the GM of SD while he was unable to compete (months ago). I was discussing it w/ Fae awhile back. I was aiming for it to turn out like 'Sold'. It hasn't wanted that. What I've been getting is crackfic and pure random silliness. I will warn you, some superstars are waay way out of character and I poke fun of a lot of them, esp my faves. Edge has been made the new GM of SD b/c, well, VG and Teddy are suckish. Jeff is his 'personal' assistant (what? Edge can't be without his Hardys) Language, some sex as usual (though it probably won't dominate it as usual), wrestling violence, comical violence, poking fun of wrestling and its superstars, sarcasm, randomness, silliness, and a sleazy power-hungry Edge in charge of a whole roster. Featuring; Edge, Hardyz, Jeri, JoMo, Punk, RKO and more...  
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**I don't own, this is for fantasy, none of this ever happened or ever will happen.**

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* * *

Easy Being Sleazy;  
Chapter one/ 'SmackDown Gets Rated R'  
Rated; M/ L, (Vince yelling, petting, Punk preaching, and desecration of Skittles)**

Vince McMahon, Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, walked into view on the screen.. er, in the room. Teddy had just attempted to make a match and Vickie had popped up to give her opinion, screech and annoy the WWE Universe. Both the current GM and his personal tormentor.. erm, the Official Consultant to SmackDown, Vickie Guerrero stopped when Mr. McMahon cleared his throat.

"It has come to my attention that having Teddy in charge and making Vickie his Official Consultant was a terrible idea. So, therefore, Teddy, Vickie, you're both fired." He simply said.

"What? Excuse me!" Vickie screeched making the audience groan in utter pain.

"But.. but.. but, Sir.. What makes you think..?" Teddy blubbered.

"Are you questioning me? Are you standing here thinking you have the cohonies to question me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon?" McMahon huffed. Yes, he said cohonies.

"Well, n..no, Sir. But, what about SmackDown?" The spineless former GM stammered.

"I have that covered." Vince folded his arms over his over-inflated chest.

"You have it covered? And just how is that?" Vickie demanded unhappily.

"I've hired a new General Manager. Seems you two are annoying and can't manage to do a damn thing right. Teddy, you make piss-poor decisions and shoddy match-ups that are stale and keep people near comatose. And, Vickie, you're just plain unbearable to watch and listen to."

Vickie stared at him insulted before screeching. "Excuse me! This is unacceptable, Mr. McMahon. I'm a Guerrero, you cannot do this to.."

"Shut up!" Vince yelled. The boom of his voice making the short and stubby Latina step back a bit.

"Well, Sir, if you don't mind my asking; Who did you hire in our places, uh, Sir?" Teddy asked.

Vince grinned. "Well, that's just something you'll have to next week to find out. But, let's just say this person is going to drag SmackDown back out of it's slump, if you will. Now, if you'll see yourselves out, I have a show to see to its end."

"The show is almost over, Vince. All we had left to do was make some big match for next week. But, you kept us from doing so, Vince." She said hatefully.

"That's Mr. McMahon to you."

"I no longer work for you." She huffed, making her exit.

Vince glared in that direction before turning his pursed scowl to Teddy. The cowardly GM made a funny nasally noise then scampered off behind her. Next week's SmackDown was going to usher in a new era. He'd be damned sure of it.

--xx--

(SmackDown, top of broadcast)

Edge spun around in the chair, that famous grin spread widely across his face. "Hahaha, thank you, Mr. McMahon. You won't regret this decision."

"I should surely hope not, Edge." The Chairman said standing off to the side of SmackDown's newest General Manager as Edge got up to look around his new office. Touching to everything in curiosity. He had major changes to make.

"Just one little thing I want though." Edge said, his tongue searching under his top lip before pulling out to make an annoying popping sound.

Vince tilted his head to the side, neither man looking at one another. "Well, that would all depend on what exactly that is."

"Jeff Hardy." Edge turned to him, grinning wryly.

"Now, Edge. I'm sure you recall the stipulation where Jeff Hardy had to retire from WWE due to annoying bastard." Vince reminded.

Edge gave him a facial shrug. "Oh, I am very aware, Sir. But, you see, I don't need Jeff to be an active competitor. Or your employ. I want Jeff to be my assistant. My _personal_ assistant." Edge grinned cockily as he sat back down, shuddering at the sweet thoughts of how many would have to obey his will.

"Well, I won't make any guarantees, but we'll certainly see if we can get..." Vince was cut off as Jeff Hardy came into the office.

"Hi, Vinnie-Mac." He waved.

Vince twitched. "That's Mr. McMahon to you."

Jeff scoffed. "I dun work for you. I work for Edge now." The younger Hardy stuck his tongue out at the Chairman and plopped down in Edge's lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and nuzzling his face against Edge's head.

The taller blonde locked his arms around Jeff's waist and held the younger man close. "Ooh, you can't argue with that logic, eh, McMahon?"

Vince just grumbled under his breath, leaving and hoping Edge could pull SmackDown out of it's current sucktitude.

Edge only laughed as he watched him exit. "Now, where do we start?"

--xx--

The first match was Michelle McCool vs Mickie James for the Women's Championship. Edge deemed that if Michelle lost she was gone from WWE. 'Out with the annoying and in with the totally awesome' being the theme. He also made the match No DQ. Michelle got an early cheap-shot, but soon almost every Diva, excluding Layla, who was just plain sick of Michelle thinking she was so damn perfect stormed the ring, attacked Michelle and placed Mickie on top of her, holding her down as the referee counted the three.

Mickie proudly held up her belt, everyone applauded the leaving of Michelle who turned into a screeching demon dragon thingy and had to be vanquished... sorta.. She tossed a shit fit and the whole roster of Divas carried her out.

--xx--

Matt walked back into the GM's office. Edge was too busy cooing to Jeff and rubbing his face in his neck to notice, so Matt cleared his throat.

"You have got to be kidding me? Vince agreed to let _you_ be the General Manager?"

"That's right, Matthew. He also agreed to let me keep this." Edge motioned to the 'this' that occupied his lap.

Matt rolled his eyes and folded his arms. "Jeff, I thought we agreed."

"No, you agreed, Matty. Like always, you agree on what I will do, then I'll go do whatever I want to do as usual. Have you forgot how this goes?" Jeff asked, motioning between himself and Matt.

"Oh, don't be so strung up, Matt. We're gonna have it made now. I'm in charge. Don't you see the possibilities here?" Edge got up and placed Jeff back down in the seat. He grabbed Matt by the shoulders and looked at him, shaking the older Hardy slightly. The look in his eyes and on his face was like that of a kid in a candy store. "This show is ours for the taking, Matt. Don't you see how awesome this is?"

Matt took down Edge's hands. "All I see is you running this show and all our careers down the toilet. I don't want you to take my and Jeff's legacy down with it."

Edge's happiness fell. "I'm not going to run anything in the.. How could you think..? Ooh!" Edge whined, stomping his foot like a two year old. Edge's little tantrum was cut off by CM Punk's music on the TV. Apparently the little whine-bag was making his way out to the ring to say something. "Oh, great. This is just great." He said sarcastically, rubbing at his temple and waving his other hand toward the screen. "Why didn't I remember to fire that bastard?"

Jeff moved and let Edge flop down into the seat. Sighing in boredom and threading his fingers through his hair. CM Punk and Luke Gallows made their way to the ring and Punk immediately got a microphone.

"Oh, look, Punk's gonna preach again." Matt sighed.

(Cue to Punk in ring)

"You are all addicts, blah blah blah.. I am better than you because I am Straightedge, and I am Straightedge because I have a slightly irrational fear that I will become an alcoholic... blah blah blah.. I don't drink.. blah.. I don't smoke.. blah blah.. I don't drugs.. blah blah blah.."

(cue back to everyone in office)

Edge was asleep, Jeff was half asleep. The poor younger Hardy's left eye was twitching and his right eyelid was half closed. Matt yawned and Edge snorted awake.

"Is this all he ever says?" The GM yawned.

"Afraid so." Jeff mumbled.

"It's the same spiel week after week." Matt added.

(back to Punk)

"And now we have a General Manager who his first order of business was to bring back into the company, Jeff Hardy to be his 'personal'," Punk made little finger quotations. "Assistant. Jeff Hardy, the man I retired blah blah blah..." Punk stopped and shook his head.

Luke petted on him more.

(back at office)

"Luke pets on Punkers a little too much." Jeff mused, petting on Edge.

"I know, it's disturbing to watch." Edge grimaced. He suddenly shivered, starting to purr as Jeff raked his fingers through his hair.

Luke continued petting on Punk and rubbing his shoulders on the screen.

"I'm putting Punk in a beard vs beard match with Mike Knox. Either way one of those psycho looking, pseudo religious/but not really, man beards have got to go." Edge shuddered. Made him itch just looking at it.

"Hey, I'd talk about having that type of beard, Ad..Edge.. I remember yours. It tickled and itched me like crazy." Jeff complained.

Edge rolled his eyes over to the younger male. "You loved it."

"Eh, wrong."

Edge pouted. "I had just got back from Hell! Gimme a break! They dun have razors in Hell, y'know." Edge folded his arms and continued his pouting.

Jeff stared forward and blinked.

(back in ring)

"A man who is an addict, a pathetic weak-minded blah blah blah.. And I have the found the source of Jeff's addiction." Punk took a black bag from Luke, who hopped out of ring and got a trash can and some other supplies from out under the ring. "Right here." Punk reached inside the bag and pulled forth another red plastic bag.

(back to office)

Jeff perked up, the younger Hardy stared starry-eyed. Becoming all twitchy and jittery as he started babbling incoherently. Edge backed away from the younger man and Matt shook his head.

"Skittles!" Jeff shouted, getting down to the floor to be closer to the TV screen as the camera zeroed in on his obsession. He pawed at it longingly before the camera panned back. Jeff recoiled and sat Indian-styled on the floor, rocking back-n-forth. He pointed and the TV. "Skittles.. Punk stole my Skittles.. He will burn! Burn, I tell ya!"

Luke got back in the ring and sat down the trashcan.

"Now, in order to save you.. in order to save your tainted minds, we must first get rid of all the things that cause us temptation. Putting this junk into your body is no different than putting poison into your blood stream." Punk continued.

"What is that idiot doing? Oh, he can't be serious?!" Jeff shouted in distress.

The younger Hardy whimpered, watching helplessly as Punk poured the rainbow colored candy down into the trashcan.

"Once the thing that causes your addiction has been gotten out of the way you can't start to better yourself in more healthier, more productive ways." Punk took a yellow bottle, that was the all to familiar lighter fluid, and started squirting it into the trashcan.

"No. No, he's not going to.. That bastard!" Jeff bit on his nails, watching suspensefully.

Punk then took a match and struck it before tossing it in. The trashcan instantly filled with flames.

"Nooooo! No, it's NOT right! My Skittles!" Jeff dropped his head into his hands, mourning his lost candy. "They didn't deserve to die like that! They did nothing wrong!" Jeff sobbed.

"That idiot is gonna burn down my ring." Edge pointed at the TV. "And he made my Jeffy-kins cry! No one but Matt does that!"

"Yeah." Matt proclaimed proudly before he realized what he just said. Then his smile fell. "Hey, wait!" He glared at Edge.

Punk taunted and stood profoundly next to the burning trashcan. Triumphant that he had managed to destroy a 5 dollar bag of Skittles. Crew members came to put out the fire as SmackDown took a commercial break.

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I dunno why Mr. McMahon would hand SD over to Edge, but this story isn't supposed to make sense. I apologize right now, hehe. I started writing this about a couple months back when I was in a silly mood and joking around a lot with my brother. It's done out of complete and utter boredom. Taker, Rey and Batista were still having their little feud, Serena wasn't there yet, Edge was still out with his injury. Jeff had to be in here b/c it's just weird for me to write a story that isn't heavy with our favorite little Enigma, XD. Punk's beard currently puts Edge's 'back from Hell' caveman beard to shame as far as being out of control and making him look crazy. It's not as bad as Knox's, but it's getting there slowly O.o ..F.Y.I, I don't really like Michelle. I'm usually not one for bashing in fics, but I've made everyone else look silly, so.. The Punk 'slightly irrational fear' bit/insult came from Dark Fae Angel awhile back (31st chp of 'Muse Troubles') It seemed to fit with the insanity/theme here. No offense. I actually respect his lifestyle. I wish to have no part of it, but I respect it. Just his little promos seem to amuse me and make me twitch at the same time.  
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**No harm intended, I love all these people in my own special ways ;) I respect all wrestlers beliefs and abilities, talent and hard work. This is just for fun and never happened. As far as pairings, I dunno. Sans for high Jedam undertones. (Note; Maybe some Medge, maybe Edge/JoMo) It will be slash though. Always ;) And Addy will top. Jeff, JoMo and Punk may bottom.. shit, Matt may bottom... I'll put nothing past me.. **


	2. Whiny Little Glitter Dolls

**XD! QueenofYourWorld, thank you. That's sweet to hear, always :D Somehow I dun think Jeff'll ever get cured, lol. Seraphalexiel, hehe, Jeff as Edge's lap ornament. Me likes it :P I actually got the 'blah' thing from a drawing I saw on deviant art of Punk and Jeri running their mouths and having 'blah blah blah blah' wrote all around them. They do seem to be WWE's biggest mouth runners right now. And they're both preachy, XP. Esha Napoleon, thank you, I hopes so. Hailey Egan, cool, glad you think it's funny so far. Jeff's Skittle obsession is classic. NeroAnne, meh, they do control my life. I let them, ha. I know, Teddy's cool. But, he had to go to bring in Edge. Sorry, Teddy. No. I noticed it too. My nana actually notices, it's sad. Lol, yeah, Edge can pull of the beard waaayy better than Punk. B/c, hey, it's b/c it's Edge, XD. redsandman99, thank you, XD. Just one time I wished they would'a let Edge guest host Raw during the time he was out. I thought he could'a tormented Jeri and it'd been funny. But, oh wellz.. I luv miss Jeff and Edge, yeah, maybe ;) Dark Fae Angel, oh, I have plans for the beard. Yus, I do. (laughs sinisterly) Yeah, Punk's beard is offensive. But I think it's supposed to be. O.o Least I hope he has that thing going just for his current 'cult leader-styled/pseudo religious' role. I sincerely hope he's not sporting that thing for style.. I'd be happy if the chest hair would go. It makes me itch just looking at it. No, Hunter and Jeff muses held Punk down and shaved him and do so regularly to ensure it stays gone. McCool had to go, XP. Oh, lord, pole dancing Morrie and schoolgirl Jeff have gave Jeffy muse some ideas.. (hides MP3 with 'Low') Matt/Maria? Not in my world ;) P.S. Yus, we can dream. Damn dirty WWE writers...XP.**

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Easy Being Sleazy;  
Chapter two/ 'Whiny Little Glitter Dolls'  
Rated; M/ L, (sexual innuendo, wrestling violence, obvious gayness, kidnapping) **

Jeff was still pouting. Scowling at the TV as the camera panned down to show down into the trashcan and what was left of the fruity candy. Jeff held up a clipboard. "I want Punk placed against Khali, since Matty can't get the job done."

"I can so get the job done." Matt said offended. "Gimme a match with Punk tonight and I'll prove it."

Edge tapped his pointer finger to his chin, his lips puckered in his thinking.

"M'kay, you got it, Hardy. Your match is.." Edge looked at his watch. "Buhm, buhm, buhm.. Uh, now."

Matt slouched. "Crap." The older Hardy, with no time to prepare, rushed out to get his ass handed to him yet again.

Edge winced. "Ooh, that's gotta suck."

"Poor Matthew." Jeff hung his head.

Matt came back in defeated. "Dammit." He pouted while Edge tisked and Jeff shook his head.

--xx--

Edge flipped through his clipboard. "And, Mr. Ziggles..?"

"Ziggler! It's Dolph Ziggler!" The bleach blonde seethed.

"Whatever." Edge scratched the side of his nose, not caring. "You get Mike Knox instead of Punk tonight."

"Mike Knox; It doesn't go away." Jeff shook his head.

"Not even with Febreze." Matt sighed.

Dolph growled and yanked at his hair as he made his leave.

"Jeez, what's up that guy's ass?" Edge asked. Both Hardys shrugged.

Dolph ran into Knox in the hallway. The smaller male squeaked and got out his thing of Febreze, spraying Knox with it. "It's not going away!"

"Told ya!" Matt yelled.

"It's just staring at me! Menacingly!" Ziggler shouted back.

Knox stared at Dolph menacingly, apparently upset that he now smelled like tulips.

Matt closed the door to the office, this wasn't gonna be pretty. He heard Dolph shouting from the outside.

"I think it's gonna hurt me.. Eerk!" There was a loud clatter from the hallway. "Yup..." Ziggler groaned. "It hurted.. me.." He groaned again.

Edge just sighed, dragging his hand down his face. "This is gonna be a lot more work than I expected."

Matt snorted and shook his head. "So, are you going to let Orton join your evil counsel?"

Edge stopped and pondered. "Hm..? I don't know. Randy's been all uptight and broody since he started hanging around Ted and Cody."

Randy rushed in at that moment and grabbed Edge by the front of his shirt. Shaking the startled Rated-R Superstar hard.

"Please?! Ya gotta help me get away from those two! They're driving me crazy!" The Viper pleaded in distress.

"Calm down, Randy. They can't be that bad." Edge assured, trying to pry the distraught Orton off him, finally succeeding.

Randy, shaking and pale, looked back to see Ted and Cody had followed closely behind. They are wide-eyed and drooling, their eyes glazed as they called and reached out to their leader. "Please, Randy. Stay with us. Come play with us. You're our leader. We love you, Randy."

Randy screamed. "Oh, god, not again!" And ran off, leaving Jeff, Edge and Matt bewildered.

Edge looked at Legacy wryly. Ted and Cody were normal as they usually was and just shrugged at the SmackDown GM.

"He's been acting strange lately." Ted nodded.

"Yeah, real strange." Cody rolled his eyes and sighed.

Edge and Jeff just looked at one another and shrugged before Edge led Jeff out of the room.

--xx--

After another long ass break, Jeff pushed Edge out in wheelchair. The audience groaned disparagingly. Edge stood up and held up his mic. "Just kidding." He smirked before kicking the wheelchair off the ramp, causing it to land to the ground below with a clatter and nearly hitting one of the stagehands in the process.

Edge took Jeff by the hand, strutting his way down to the ring beside his lover.. erm, assistant. Jeff followed along, his hips swaying a bit as he walked. The younger Hardy tossed his hair back.

Edge stopped, noticing something was amiss. "Um, hun? It doesn't really work with the short hair." He whispered.

Jeff reach up and felt of his short do. The younger Hardy lowered his hand, blinking and smiling sheepishly. "Oh, yeah, hehe.. Forgot."

"That's okay, Jeff." Edge sighed, leading Jeff to the ring.

SmackDown cut to another break prematurely and showed some car commercial before cutting back to the show.

"Me and Jeff are not a couple." Edge announced, still holding to Jeff's hand. "We are not seeing each other, no matter what you horndogs would like to believe."

Edge stopped and looked down at the younger man, who was staring off into the distance and sweetly nibbling on his bottom lip.

"Ooh, so sweet." Edge grinned, leaning down to plant kisses all over the younger Hardy's face while Jeff giggled. Edge pulled back and licked his lips, wrapping his arm around Jeff's neck and jerking him as close as he'd come to him. "Now as I was saying.."

--xx--

Drew McIntyre groaned in the back. "We're doomed."

"Definitely." Ziggler agreed, holding his side and still aching from Mike Knox hurting him.

"Who does he think he's kidding? Out there saying there is nothing going on between him and Jeff, when they're all over each other. Who is he fooling?" All eyes turned to Punk, who was being rubbed on and huggled by Luke as the larger man stood behind him.

"Yeah, guess you'd know something about that." Morrison muttered under his breath. He put on his shades and heaved the furry coat over his shoulder.

"Man, this isn't right." Punk said, pointing to the monitor. "Edge is going to taint everyone with this crap. He has to be stopped."

"Yeah, good luck with that, Punk. But, me? Edge just put me in a number one contender's match for the Intercontinental title, so I'll be seeing ya."

Punk glared at the bedazzled one as Morrison made his exit.

--xx--

(after another grueling break, that I swear is longer than an average commercial break should be!)

Jericho stalked out to the ring, unhappy grimace on his face as usual.

"How can you (calls fans some big worded name as the camera pans over audience, seeing some people are actually looking through dictionaries and scratching their heads in utter confusion) cheer for a General Manager like Edge? That sanctimonious hypocrite is so injury prone he'll probably suffer a papercut and be forced to be out for another few months. I should be General Manager. Me! Chris Jericho! A man who has suffered more injustices than anyone else.. blah blah blah.. (continued to whine and call audience more hard to understand words)."

--xx--

Edge sat behind his desk in his office, listening to Jericho run his mouth and leafing through some papers and files on top of his large brown desk.

"Why that rat bastard." Edge mumbled, looking down at his papers. "Ow!"

A noise came from under the desk. "Mmhmphm.." Jeff muffled with a full mouth. "Ugh.." He huffed before speaking more clearly. "Sorry, did I bite?"

"No." Edge said staring at his thumb. "I got a papercut. Ouch." He pouted, bringing his thumb up to his mouth to kiss it.

Jeff groaned and soft sucking noises resonated from under the desk once again.

"Ooh, that's better.." Edge purred, closing his eyes and settling back into the big comfy, black office chair. A content smile pursed on his lips. "Ahh.. this is the life.."

He opened his eyes and stiffened up as the sucking sounds got louder and more frenzied.

"Oh, easy, babe." He grunted, looking down. "Not a contest..." The sounds calmed down. "Uhmmm... perfect.." Edge grinned, settling back into the seat and shivering. He was so glad he sent Matt to pick up something from catering. Got him out of the way.

A loud pounding on the door brought up his attention. "Edge, unlock this door, right now. You better not be doing what I think you're doing with my brother in there... Jeff?" Matt barked from the other side.

"N-no.. oh, god.. Ma-Matty.. Jeff's not.. Ohh, Jeff.. ah.." Edge groaned deeply, shuddering suddenly and his eyes rolling backwards.

A loud thunk sound came from the other side of the locked door (probably Matt's head banging against it) Followed by Matt sighing loudly. "Why do I even bother?"

Edge collapsed back into the chair, panting heavily. He found himself scooted backwards as Jeff's head popped from out under the desk.

Jeff wiped across his lips with his thumb and his middle finger. "What's Matty screaming about?"

Edge swallowed, trying to calm his breathing. He zipped up his pants and straightened out his clothes. "Same as usual."

"Oh." Jeff replied.

--xx--

(back in the ring)

Jericho was interrupted by the music of John Morrison, much to everyone's delight.. and relief.

Sadly, Jericho kept talking. "And now I'm forced to face this little glitter doll."

Mor frowned and slouched his shoulders. Still in slow motion amazingly.

"How is that fair? You tell me that, you gelatinous parasites." Jericho ranted, waving his hand out to the audience.

Mor pouted. "I'm telling Jeffy!" He pointed at Chris then turned to stalk off back through the curtain.

Jericho blinked as Jeff shoved Mor back out.

"Go! You have a match. This is getting ridiculous." The younger Hardy scolded, apparently finished with his 'personal' assistant duties for that moment.

"But he insulted me!"

"I don't care!" Jeff shoved Morrison on out and quickly boarded up the Gorilla Position so Mor couldn't go back through.

"Hey, not fair, Jeff!" Mor whined as he pounded on the boards.

Edge decided to make the match a cage match, just to keep Mor inside the ring for once, and finally the match got underway. It would have been awesome too.. had Drew McIntyre not stormed down the ramp, got a chair, shoved the ref away from the door, got inside and blasted Morrison with the chair. Causing a DQ.

"Wait?! What?!" Edge shouted. "A cage match ending in disqualification?! Who the hell do these stupid refs think they're working for?! This is WWE, not that other company! We don't end cage matches in DQ!" The blonde ranted, pacing and yanking at his hair. He started muttering to himself and biting on his nails.

Jeff stood to the side, watching Edge pace and rant. "Um, Addy.. Edge.. Uh, so this goes to a rematch next week, huh?"

Edge stopped. "No." He shook his head, causing his hair to bounce about. "Next week it'll be a triple threat. Jericho vs Morrison vs McIntyre for the Intercontinental title. Let's see how the Chosen One likes that."

"But, Vince is all crazy over Drew, wouldn't that piss off da boss?" Jeff reminded.

"No. Vince put me in charge and I just plainly don't like Drew. It states in MY contract," He said, pulling out his contract and poking hard at it with his pointer finger to prove his point. "That I can do whatever I feel like doing to better this show, and if there is someone I don't like then I can treat them however I feel like whether or not Vinnie-Mac likes it."

Jeff blinked. "Okay, as long as you're sure. I'll go make the match." The younger Hardy sighed before leaving to do that.

--xx--

(after a couple more matches that the writer was too lazy to make fun of)

Batista was in the ring, whining as usual. Undertaker's gong sounded and Dave looked around. "Where?"

Taker appeared behind him and the audience's resounding cheers so weren't giving him away (hint-sarcasm-hint)

Undertaker snickered. "Haha, I'm behind you." He pointed at The Animal, covering his mouth as he fought off fits of laughter.

Batista turned to glare at The Deadman, his eyes narrowing as he folded his arms.

"You can't see me." Taker laughed.

"That's Cena's line." Dave barked, frustrated already.

"I know." Taker slouched, his giggles killed.

Batista smacked his forehead and muttered a few choice obscenities under his breath.

--xx--

Edge took a deep breath and rolled his eyes, flicking off the TV as an angry Batista charged at Undertaker before getting kicked in the gut and Chokeslammed to the mat below. The Animal clutched to his head and winced in pain, muttering that he couldn't catch a break.

"Whelp, that's all I care to see for tonight." Edge rubbed his hands together and gave a huge closed mouthed grin. "Who wants steak?"

"You can't just abandon the show, Edge." Matt sighed tiredly.

"It's my show. I can leave it if I wanna. Besides, all that's left is Rey vs Undertaker again, and we all know Batista will get a second wind, interfere and attack Rey before he's chokeslammed again by Taker. It's the same ole song and dance, my friend." He patted Matt on the shoulder. "Besides, I have a little surprise planned for my Jeffy." Edge said, smiling.

"Is Skittles?" Jeff asked hopefully.

Another smile crept up on Edge's face. "Ohh, it's much.. much better. C'mon." Edge wrapped an arm around Jeff's shoulders and lead him out of the room. Matt groaned and drudged behind them.

--xx--

Punk looked down as he made his way through the parking garage. He had no clue where Luke was. The show was over and done for the night. And all the Straightedge Superstar wanted to do was go back to his hotel room. The garage was dark and a few shoddy lights flickered above him over head.

Punk hugged himself tightly and shivered under the cold. His breath coming out in small white puffs.

"C'mon, Luke.. Where are you?" He whined, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He sighed and started humming some Hannah Montana song. Reminding himself to later kill Luke for getting it stuck in his head. It was making his ears ache from the inside out!

Suddenly the sound of screeching tires made him jump. He turned and saw a car peeling out of the garage. The tail lights fading as it got further away.

Punk let out a shaky breath and continued humming. But the sound of footsteps this time made him stop.

"Who's there? Luke?" He called out, gazing around.

The footsteps abruptly stopped.

"Ah, fuck this." Punk started walking. His hands shoved deep in the pockets of his baggy jeans and his head bowed down. He didn't have time for this bullshit. He had world domination to plan.. erm, lives to save.. yeah, that's it.

Punk squeaked as he was tackled with great force to the cold, hard and filthy ground by someone. The blow almost knocked the wind out of him, and quickly, before he could see his attacker, a burlap bag was shoved down over his head and tied firmly around his neck.

"Hey, what the..? Let me go!" The ravenette struggled as someone shoved him down and he felt a knee pressing in his back.

He heard muffled grunting and movement. Shoes on pavement and someone bumped into a car. Wincing and then sighing when the alarm hadn't gone off.

"Stop.. What do you want with me?" Punk shouted, feeling his hands be jerked behind his back and a rope wrapped and tied tightly around them.

"Only your soul." A mechanical voice answered him.

Punk gulped as he was hoisted up over someone's shoulder, hearing mad laughter as he was carried away.

**

* * *

I had Punkers snatched again! Hm? This is habit with me, hehe. Don't worry, this is not a dark fic and won't be too horrid.. (looks around with shifty eyes) Least not for us ;) The wheelchair bit was a pop at Vickie being in the wheelchair (although she wasn't the only SD GM who played up an 'injury' to be in a wheelchair. I remember Angle doing something like that.) The Mike Knox Febreze bit came from my brother. We were playing SDvsRaw and in a Rumble bout, Knox came out and I screamed dramatically (I had Smirnoff and Cotton Candy in my system) 'Mike Knox! (groans) It doesn't go away!' And my brother said out of the blue, and quite random, 'Not even with Febreze.' I cracked up, but I wasn't right in the head that day, XP. The cage match ending in DQ was a pop shot at TNA. I know. I sorry. :P Undertaker comes out looking really silly in this story, I apologize. I make lotza people look silly. SD has, I swear, cut right in the middle of a match and a promo (when they hadn't called for a break) before on me to advertise a car commercial. It did it during the culmination of a Jeff vs Jericho match in '09 and made me miss the ending :(**


	3. Dull Edge

**Thanks, everyone :) Hailey Egan, awesome, thanks. Here's more :D Esha Napoleon, thank you, XD. QueenofYourWorld, it was obvious what was happening under the desk ;) Yeah, Matt should consider himself a lucky boy, XD. Hehe, Jericho trying to convert Punkers is actually an awesome idea. redsandman99, XD. Thnx, read ahead. Seraphalexiel, which is why the Febreze people would not be hiring Knox anytime soon to do a commercial :P I luv miss Jeff and Edge, no one's making you read, hun. This is just for fun. I do the darker stuff the same as I do the sweet stuff. But, Bubble Gum Sweet Shit could be a good title name for something... NeroAnne, tulips=pretty, Mike Knox=not so pretty.. XP. Poor Randy seemed a little stressed.. uh, more so than usual, lol. No, I love Jeff's hair long, but I couldn't resist the stab at it. **

**

* * *

Easy Being Sleazy;  
Chapter three/ 'Dull Edge'  
Rated; M/ L, (sexual innuendo, slight bondage, threats of violence, mild violence, panty theft, childish name-calling)**

Punk found himself tossed down roughly before he was jerked back up and forced to sit in a chair. He had rode in a car and had been carried through someplace where he had been sure he had heard other Superstar's voices. But when he screamed for them to help him, they ignored him. Although, some laughed and one even said, "Finally." He was sure that was R-Truth. Like he'd help him.

His captors wasted no time in tying his hands behind his back in link with the chair. Two sets of hands held him as another set did the untying and retying as he struggled and whimpered under the burlap bag. He was suffocating and couldn't breathe in the damn thing.

Punk hadn't stopped bitching either. "If this is some kind of joke? It's not very funny. You will be in soo much trouble. People will be looking for me. I'm better than whoever you are. I'm very important."

"Oh, shut up." Someone said before Punk felt a hard slap across his face. The voice, and probably the hand print, belonged to Edge. "Sheesh, he talks more than a parakeet."

Punk found the bag untied and yanked off his head. His onyx locks falling down around his head, all messy and tangled.. more so than usual.. The Chicago native looked around, breathing deeply. He saw that he was in a hotel room and that Edge, Jeff and Matt were standing around him.

"How do I always get suckered into this shit?" Matt asked.

"Shut up and guard the door, young'un." Jeff commanded.

"But.. but.. but.." Punk stammered. He was ignored.

"You're not gonna rape him, are ya?" Matt asked, cocking an eyebrow at Jeff.

"WHAT?!" Punk squeaked, wiggling to try and get free.

"No, you dirty minded idjit. Now get." Jeff said, pointing toward the door.

Matt looked at his younger brother and huffed, starting to pout. "Y'know, Jeff, I just helped you kidnap your most bitter enemy. And this is the thanks I get? You don't appreciate me!"

Jeff's face softened. "Awe, Matty.." Jeff cooed, huggling on his older brother. "Jeffy sorry. Tell ya what, I'll gives you cookie laters. M'kay?"

Matt brightened up. "Okay." He kissed Jeff on the cheek to which Punk and Edge both groaned in interest. Edge licked his lips. Loudly.

"Oh, shut up." Both Hardys scolded.

Edge blushed. "Sorry." He said, turning away and rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"Horndog." Matt muttered, retreating out the door.

Jeff glared at Edge. Edge shrugged. "What?" He grinned a little too sweetly.

"You know what." Jeff growled.

Edge blinked.

"Awe, c'mon, guys. Let me go.. This isn't.. funny.." Punk stopped when Jeff held up a little black box to his mouth, pushing a button and breathing into it. It made his breathing sound raspy and stressed. It must of been the mechanical voice he heard.

"Hello, Phillip. Let's play a little game." Jeff panted into the box. It made his voice sound like a robot's. "It's called 'guess how I'm gonna cry tonight?'." Jeff giggled. He took the box down and twisted it around in front of Punk's view. "Like it? Gotz it at a Halloween store last year. Itn't it cool?"

Punk glared at Jeff coldly. "No. Now let me go!"

"Ooh, 'fraid not, skipperoo." Edge leered at him. Yes, he said skipperoo. "See, you made my Jeffy cry."

"You killed my candy!" Jeff screamed as Punk rolled his olive eyes. "You Skittles murderer!"

Punk shouted out as Jeff kicked him in the shin. "Ow! You little asshole."

"Silence!" Jeff shouted, making Punk flinch back.

"For that you will pay." Edge smirked, advancing on Punk.

"Oh, it's just because the little Charismatic Enabler has you whipped." Punk said defiantly.

Edge stopped and pursed his lips, thinking about that statement. Jeff's mouth hung agape, his hand on his hip all diva-like. He huffed dramatically and flipped his bangs back out of his eyes.

"Hm? Meh, you're right there. He does have me whipped. And oh, how I love it." Edge shivered, advancing on Punk again.

Punk sighed in agitation as Edge ripped his shirt open.

"Hey? What the hell are you doing?!" The ravenette yelped.

"Something that should have been done long ago, princess." Edge growled.

Punk twitched. "Why does everyone call me that? Seriously?! I have random people in the streets call me that."

Edge shrugged. "Read it in some fanfic. You were being tormented by some guy named James while he called you that. It was awesome." Edge giggled.

"Ah, tormentingness of Punk. I like it." Jeff sighed thoughtfully.

"Me too." Edge agreed, puckering his lips and gazing down at the younger Hardy.

"Well, I don't like it." Punk whined.

"Well, you'll like this even less." Jeff stuck out his tongue as he began fumbling to get something out of a black bag.

Punk's eyes widened as he heard a vibrating noise.

"Oh, no. Hell no. No no no!" Punk struggled as Jeff grabbed a hold of his face and forced him to look at him.

"I suggest you hold the fuck still, Punkers. This could get brutally messy." Jeff warned. His tone dead serious.

"Trust me, fella," Edge said, sitting down in a nearby chair to enjoy the show. "He's not kidding. It could get messy. I'd hold still." He had some experience with Jeff in this area, so he knew what he was talking about.

Jeff held up the buzzing object. A big round, bulky... electric razor. Punk shook his head wildly.

But Jeff only nodded. "Oh, yes. It has to go."

Edge nodded. "Yup. You can't pull it off like I can, Punky-boy. You look like a bird's nest has been built on your face... And the chest hair..? Ugh.. If I tossed a cat down on you, it'd get all tangled up and stuck in all that mess." Edge narrated, motioning to his own chest for emphasis.

Punk whimpered as Jeff moved the razor closer to him, shaving off a large patch on the side of his face as he stared wide-eyed and in utter shock.

--xx--

Matt hummed, looking at his watch. Whistling a bit to drown out the screams of terror and sheer agony that were coming from room 206. He sure hoped Jeff and Edge weren't doing anything they'd regret later.. or get arrested for. The sounds were just down right horrible.

A few minutes passed. Punk's wailing got louder.

"Gah! Hold still, ya idjit!" Jeff yelled. Matt smirked. Jeff watched Supernatural one time and picked up that word.. He thought he had him broken from it from that time that Jeff watched three straight hours of Yosemite Sam-heavy Looney Tunes.

"Ow! Stop! It hurts!" Punk cried out.

Matt stiffened up and flushed, biting on his bottom lip. That sounded so wrong.

"Well, if you'd hold the fuck still.." Jeff snapped, grunting a bit.

Edge was heard laughing his ass off. "Oh, god.. it's too much.." He gasped through giggles. "Can't.. fucking.. breathe.."

"Grrr... stop laughing and help me, dumbass.. Damn thing's stuck.. it's stuck in there real good too.. Damn.." Jeff groaned, whimpering a bit.

Matt blushed. He had to be red all over. And he was biting the holy hell out of his poor lip. But, maybe he was getting carried away in thought.. It couldn't be what it sounded like.. Right..?

"Stop! Ow! Stop it.. don't pull it like that! Ow ow ow! God!" Punk whined loudly.

The older Hardy swallowed and looked around. Smiling anxiously as a young man and woman quickly entered into their room across the hallway. Giving Matt a suspicious look as they did so. Matt sighed relief as he heard their door lock and prayed they wouldn't call the cops and tell them about the shrill screams going on inside room 206 and the large dark-haired man that was standing outside and guarding the door.

"Ohh.. stop being a baby.." Jeff taunted.

"Here, Jeff.. don't yank it so hard.. just twist it real easy like and it'll come right out.. See, like that..?" Edge coached as Punk continued to whimper and whine. Finally yelping.

"Ouch! You motherfuckin'assholedamnitsonofabitch!" Punk mumbled all in one word.

"Toldja you should'a used lotion." Edge pointed out.

"Might'a helped." Jeff muttered.

"I hate you both." Punk panted in obvious pain. "I hate you both so bad... Ow.."

Matt took a deep breath and reluctantly opened the door. "What the hell are you two doing in here, you're making a shitload of noise and.." Matt stopped as he looked at Punk. The raven-haired man was still sitting in the chair, his shirt ripped open and his skin completely flushed red and his chest half shaved. Punk was seething and gritting his teeth under his dilemma. Jeff was panting heavily and sweating a bit. Edge was trying desperately to control his giggles.

Jeff looked up at Matt and blinked. He was holding a long large object in his hand.. a razor.. and had already gotten Punk's beard shaved off.

"What?" Jeff shrugged, wiping his brow on his sleeve. "It's taken a lot of work to get through this rug. And the damn thing got stuck in the fur and Addy had to help me get it out." Jeff pointed out as was evident by the large red marks on Punk's heaving chest.

"Oh, well.. okay then." Matt swallowed, backing out. He gave a thumbs up. "It's an improvement at least." He gave a short smile that indicated that he thought they were insane and closed the door behind him.

Jeff sighed and looked down at Punk. "Now, Addy, you hold him still while I finish."

Punk's eyes darted back and forth between the two blonde's. "Hel..help.. me.. some..body!"

The screams started coming once again from room 206.

--xx--

Another hour later, they released Punk back into the wild, 'aka' the hotel lobby. They called Luke to come and get the shaken and in shock male. Punk was jittery and jumpy and hadn't stopped muttering. Punk's beard and chest hair was now shaven.. lest till he decided to regrow the catastrophe of hair and someone had to kidnap his ass again and shave it back off.

Jeff dusted his hands off as they walked back to their room. "Whelps, I did a good deed today." He beamed proudly.

"How is shaving CM Punk a good deed." Matt asked, unlocking his door and pushing the door open for them to go inside.

"Are you friggen kidding me? That visual monstrosity had to go. It was an eyesore for every Superstar and WWE fan in the world. That's doing a good deed." Jeff said, folding his arms.

"Plus, he looked like Charles Manson and that cult leader crap is so.. blech." Edge said, shaking his hands unnecessarily.

The Hardys looked at one another before nodding. "Yeah." The decided at the same time.

"Besides, if the WWE Universe is going to follow anyone; They should follow me. The Rated-R Super.. urm, GM.." Edge pointed to himself with his thumb, smiling arrogantly.

Matt scoffed and plopped down on the bed to take off his shoes. "Yeah, who'd do that? Your idea of entertainment consists of babes dancing half-naked on poles."

Edge looked hurt. "Nuh-uh.. that's not true.." He smirked suddenly. "I prefer them fully naked, thank you.. And speaking of; Do you think I could get John Morrison to do a little stripper dance back in my office?" Edge asked, raising his eyebrows and smacking his lips like he was chewing on gum. Which he was not. His arrogant demeanor dropped when Jeff slapped him on the arm. "Ow, hey?"

Jeff glared at him and folded his arms.

Edge rubbed at his arm. "I meant for the viewing pleasure of the audience at home.. sheesh.. Besides, I thought you liked JoMo?"

"He's my friend. Dun't mean I wants to share you with him."

"Ahhum.. jealous type.. You little vixen you." Edge smirked, coming towards the smaller male. "C'mere."

Jeff giggled as Edge wrapped his arms around him and picked him up under his ass. Jeff wrapped his arms around Edge's neck and his legs around his waist as Edge leaned in for a kiss. Making it smack loudly.

Matt groaned and got up to turn back his bed. "Do you mind?"

"Awe, Matty, jealous?" Edge asked, pouting his lips.

"No. Why would I be jealous? I'm always the one in love with you and you're always the one too blind to see it, so you hook up with my brother and I'm left as the odd man out watching."

Jeff blinked. "What?"

Edge blinked. "What?"

Matt blinked. "What?"

"Okay. Never mind." Edge said, putting Jeff down.

Matt sighed. "Thought about any matches for next week?"

"Nope. Still on that JoMo stripper pole idea.. and maybe I can borrow Cody and Ted to wrestle in pudding..."

"Addy.." Jeff warned.

"What..? For the fans..?" Edge shrugged.

"What about settling the Taker/Mysterio/Batista deal?" Matt suggested.

"Aw, Matty, you're not fun. I wanna have fun." Edge whined.

Matt rolled his eyes.

"I dun wanna worry about brooding ole rolling eyes UndieTakey." The Rated-R GM pouted more.

"UndieTakey?" Jeff mused. "Makes him sound like he steals underwear." He grinned.

(cue to a darkened, empty hotel room)

A gong sounded and the room went pitch black. They came back on and Undertaker stood there looking around the room cautiously to make sure the coast was clear. Slowly he crept up to the dresser drawer. Being real sneaky and all stealthy-like. Undertaker grabbed the handle on the drawer, biting on his lip as he carefully worked it open. His eyes shining brightly and his face becoming encased in an eerie white glow from the inside of the drawer as it opened. Soft angelic sounding music was playing from somewhere.

Undertaker looked around again before reaching inside and pulling forth many white pairs of lacy frilly underwear. He giggled with glee before holding them up to his face, snuggling them lovingly and breathing them in. His eyes closed and a huge smile spread across his face like a love sick fool.

Taker looked back up and around the room suspiciously. The gong sounded from nowhere and the lights went back off again before flickering back on. Undertaker, however, was gone and so were his frilly satin goodies.

Jeff came into the room he was sharing with Edge and saw the drawer wide open. Frantically he went over to check inside it, finding nothing but his and Adam's...Edg.. (ah, fuck it) socks and a couple of wife beater tees.

"Hey?! Who took my panties, dammit!?!" Jeff shouted, stomping his foot before running out of the room and past a confused Edge. "Matty!" He screamed in distress. "Someone took my panties!"

Edge blew out a tired breath. "Oh, yeah, that's really what you wanna hear your little brother shouting through the hallways of a nice hotel." Edge grumbled, sitting his and Jeff's sodas (along with Jeff's Skittles) down on the table. Edge peeked over into the drawer and gasped. "Oh, no." He said, rummaging through the drawer. "They took the lingerie Jeff was gonna wear for me tonight! And my thongs!" Edge grabbed at his hair before running out of the room. "Matty!" He shouted in distress. "Someone took my and Jeff's panties!"

--xx--

Somewhere a very tired older Hardy brother was threatening to kill his baby brother and Edge for embarrassing him in a really nice hotel that he'd never be able to stay at again since they were causing so much damn trouble.

And the lobby/hotel people were thinking they'd be so glad when the loud and rowdy wrestlers finally left.

And a very happy Undertaker was snuggling up with his panties (with glee!) as he slept soundly in an undisclosed room.

And Punk was clutching tightly to Luke, whispering and whimpering about the bad people who captured and 'tortured' him.

"It was so scary, Luke.. they.. they did things to me! They stole my innocence!" He screamed, making mountains out of mole hills. "They sh.. they sh.. Oh, it was horrible!" He shivered as he snuggled into the larger man's arms.

"There there, little one." Luke said, patting Punk on the back. "It'll be alright." Silently he reminded himself to thank the Hardedge clan later for shaving his cult leader.. er, I mean... Yeah, cult leader. The beard was an atrocity to say the least.

**

* * *

I swear, while writing the Taker part, for a split second I had a Taker muse pop up long enuff to say 'I do not giggle with glee.' LOL! But it was Jeff's panties and Edge's thongs. Come on.. Of course Edge knows who James (wonderfully psycho OC of redsandman99) is. That's how awesome he is. Y'know, it'd be funny to know if anyone who has read stuff on fanfic has ever went up to Punk in real life and called him Princess b/c James calls him that. Poor Punk prolly wouldn't get it, lol. Poor Matt, his mind's in the gutter :P **

**(sighs) If it's painful, I'm sorry. I can do dark stuff and I still like doing dark stuff, but occasionally I wanna write something that's just fun and can make people giggle. Not every story has to be about bad things happening 24/7. And I don't wanna get trapped in the same genre fic after fic. Some of my fics are dark, some fluffy and sweet, some sad and other's an insane combo of everything. It's all just done for fantasy and entertainment no matter which it is. When I get an idea I like, I just go with it. And if you like my stuff than I'm very appreciative. But, if you don't, then all I can say is I'm sorry, I'm proud of my work, but it's probably not for everyone's tastes and that's okay. **


End file.
